William, what is that?
by OneSong05
Summary: Jack and Will encounter a strange, evil beastie. One we all fear...
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own POTC...but I do own 80 pieces of its merchandise, and a buiscuit.

**WARNING: This fanfic will be VERY random at times...and a bit OOC. It is my first fanfic too, so no flames please. Again, this fanfic is very random, and may not make sense. You have been warned.**

Anyway, in this story, Jack, Will, and the rest of the crew on The Black Pearl encounter a terrible little beastie. Just read it.

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"William...what is that?" Captain Jack Sparrow asked his first mate, motioning to something in the corner.

"I...I don't know Jack. I've never seen one before." Will replied.

Jack cocked an eyebrow. "It's red, furry, has huge eyes, and you don't know what it is?"

"No."

Jack picked it up and squeezed it, thinking it could be full of something like rum, or gold. It started shaking and giggling uncontrollably. Jack threw it to the ground and drew his pistol, aiming at it. "William, it giggles."

"Well Jack, let's keep it down here...away from the crew. We can deal with it later."

"Fine Will, but I am coming back for said, giggling beastie"Jack siad, walking up to the deck.

Yes, the crew of The Pearl had encountered a Tickle-Me Elmo.

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**Okay, it was a short firsst chapter, but it will get longer, have an actual plot, and be much more...random. Oh, and it will get into detail on how Elmo actually got ONTO the ship. Please, no flames, but if I must remove it I will. Goood-bye! Oh, and whoever reviews gets a cookie.**


	2. Rum and It's baaaaaaack

**Disclaimer: Not mine...darn it!**

**Well, this chapter is up sooner than expected. Thank you to all my reviewers, I love you guys! gives everyone who reviewed a cookie Here is another chapter to keep you occupied while we all wait for the Pirates 3: AWE trailer to get here. WHERE IS IT!!!!!?????/

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A day went by after what came to be known as the "horrible, giggling furry beastie" incident. Then a week...a month...a year...okay just a few days.

Captain Jack Sparrow had forgotten all about the Tickle-Me Elmo a day after drinking a little too much rum and not going back for it since. Well, almost. It was still lying down there in a dark corner somewhere when he heard it giggling once again. Finally, he decided to get rid of it before...well...before anything happened to the rum which was kept in the same place. However, he needed someone to do it for him, and who better than two crew members who had nothing to do at the time. Like Ragetti and Pintel...but since they would be down there...

"You, with the eye! You, the one WITH the one with the eye. Bring me some rum, now!" Jack commanded, walking up to them.

"Aye Cap'n" Pintel said, pulling Ragetti with him down to the lower deck in which the terrifying monster now lived.

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A half an hour passed and Jack still didn't have his rum. In that time he sat down, walked around, called Will a eunich, listened to Elizabeth whine about her needs, shot the monkey, rescued the dog from the cannibals, listened to Liz whine some more, and finally became aggravated. 

"Gibbs!", he called, hoping that he could at least count on him to bring him a bottle of rum "Bring me rum, I need rum!"

"Er...Jack, didn't ye just send two other crew members to get a bottle for ye?" Gibbs said as he appraoched.

"Mr. Gibbs...bring me some rum or I will shoot you out of a cannon!" Jack commanded. he was angry, so that wasn't good now, was it?

Finally, Pintel and Ragetti came back up, but without the rum. It appeared that they had spent the whole time in an argument.

"And I say, it's a demon sent from hell to come an' destroy us all!" Pintel said, trying to defend his opinion.

"Well I say, it's a spy sent from the navy to watch our ev'ry move. Last I checked, demons from hell do not giggle." Ragetti replied.

"Alright, stop it. Now let me see it." Jack said, breaking them up. Ragetti pulled out a dirty, laughing Tickle-Me Elmo from behind his back. Jack took it, threw it up in the air, and shot it with his pistol, sending it overboard.

"Well, that takes care of the little beastie now doesn't it?" Jack smiled, relieved that he got that thing off his ship.

"Now, about me rum..." He never did get an answer, as Pintel and Ragetti had run away to avoid his sword. Jack sighed and decided to go to bed. It had gotten dark really fast.

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Later that night...

Jack woke up in the middle of the night to a strange noise. It was laughing. He looked and saw a similar thing to the one he had shot overboard earlier. This one was different. It was standing at the foot of his bed, and was glaring at him. It spoke.

_"You threw Elmo's friend overboard. Elmo doesn't think that was very nice. Elmo wants revenge."_

Jack quickly tossed Elmo to the side, into the darkness. Unable to convince himself that it was a dream, he attempted to go back to sleep, very determined to do so. Before it finally happened, one thought crossed his mind:

"I never did get any rum."

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The next morning...

Jack woke up late the next morning. (who wouldn't after they lost sleep after seeing a killer Elmo? Seriously, those are frightening...) He rushed out of the cabin's door as soon as he saw what was on the ground next to him. The entire crew was already working.

"Hide! Go in another direction! Any direction!" Jack paniced, hiding under the deck. Gibbs and Will followed him.

"Jack, it's bright and clear out here, what's the matter?" Gibbs asked, looking him in the eye.

"The beastie has a name. It's back..."

By this point, Will thought Jack had gone nuts. "A name?"

"Yes, Elmo..."

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**Well, there's chapter two for ya. Sorry if anything seemed wierd, I've been a little sick since yesterday. This time, whoever reviews gets a jar of dirt! The next update will take longer though, so be patient and it will come. Bye!!**


	3. Elmo's World

**Hello everybody! If you reviewed, have a jar of dirt gives everyone a jar! As of now, there is little keeping me from exploding over the fact that we still have no POTC: AWE trailer, like this fanfic, my new talking Captain Jack doll, Aztec Gold medallion, and lightswitch plate. Yes, I said lightswitch plate. Anyway...**

**Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue.

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"Elmo, that certainly doesn't sound very frightning." Pintel said, coming up behind them. Jack jumped 3 feet in the air, startled.

"Don't do that. Ever. Again." He warned.

"I have to agree with him though. It needs a more...scary name. Like Fluffy." Ragetti said, appearing next to him.

"How do you do that?" Jack asked, not waiting for an answer, he went on. "Fluffy? What sort of name is-" He stopped as he was interrupted by a scream. It came from where Will and Elizabeth stayed on the ship. Naturally, Will was the first to run towards it, but he tripped, and got back up again, getting there after everyone else did. He was greeted with a horrible, greusome sight (or for some people, the greatest thing ever).

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The was Elizabeth, hanging from the seiling by noose, with a blood-covered shirt on, indicating that she was stabbed, and on the floor, was Elmo. However, this one was different, it was all black, but with the same evil look as the other. On his back was a name tag reading: Homicidal Elmo. 

Will immediatly started crying, and ran away to be alone. Jack just stood, shocked. "Well...that was horrifying and unusual."

Then, Elmo jumped up, and started walking towards Jack. He threw his sword at it and ran off in the same direction as Will, and locked it in. The rest of the day he was quite paranoid, keeping his pistol out and pointed at everyone he saw. Elmo could be anywhere now.

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Later that night... 

The entire crew was out on deck, drinking bottle after bottle of rum. Jack stood away from them, clutching his pistol like a three-year-old holds his blanket. He stayed like that for a while until the entire crew had either passed out or left from listening to Pintel and Ragetti, who were still arguing over a scarier name for Elmo. Suddenly, a song started playing the Jack could just barely hear...

_"Lala lala, lala lala Elmo's world_

_Lala lala, lala lala Elmo's world!_

_Elmo loves his goldfish, his crayons too_

_That's Elmo's World!"_

Jack shot his pistol into the air, searching for where the evil song was coming from. He finally found it in his cabin, where Jack the Monkey was playing it from a small radio. It appeared to be from Elmo, as it was shaped liked his head. That wasn't the worst part. The song was being played on a loop, and the mokey seemed to enjoy it!

"Where did you get that?!" Jack screamed at the monkey. He shot the radio, sending it flying to the other side of the room. The monkey stayed silent, staring at him.

"Well?" Jack asked again. This time he shot the monkey. The conversation obviously wasn't going anywhere, as Jack realized after remembering the monkey couldn't talk. So, out of spite, he shot the monkey again, who ran away, and went to bed. However, a certain something was keeping him awake.

_"Lala lala, lala lala Elmo's world..."_ Jack never did sleep that night.

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**So that was chapter 3. Comments, concerns, questions, ideas? POTC 3 trailer? If you have any of these, just review, and you'll get Jack's hat!**


	4. The 4th wall

**Sorry Chapter 4 took so long. My teachers have been forcing random essays and projects on me lately, which in turn put me into a state of writer's block and a state of not being able to watch DMC. Heartbreaking, isn't it? Anyway...**

**Disclaimer: Not mine, I don't own anything. Nada. Zilch. Zippo. Nichts.

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"Mr. Gibbs!" Jack yelled later that morning.

"Aye, Jack?"

"Change course. Set sail east and don't stop until you reach land. Oh, and bring me some more rum." Jack commanded his first mate.

Normally, Gibbs would follow his orders, but since Jack didn't tell him where they were going...

"Tortuga?" he asked.

"No, not Tortuga. Now go. Shoo."

"Port Royal?"

"No."

"Tia Dalma?"

"NO! That stupid jar full of rum she gave me didn't help our little problem."

"That's because you drank it. But when did she give ye that?"

"Remember the long break between chapters 3 and-"

Suddenly, the authoress stepped in and slapped Jack. Hard. "No breaking the fourth wall!" She then disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Not sure I deserved that." Jack changed his tone after recieving another threatning glare. "I mean...er...last week remember?" Jack reminded him, rubbing his cheek.

"Oh...yes...of course." Gibbs said, playing along to avoid a similar fate to Jack's.

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_One Day Later..._

Well, the ship hit land, but not to many recognized the island. Everyone except Jack.

"Everyone below deck, you can come back when I say so." Captain Jack Sparrow said, holding the most recent Elmo at arm's length in a net with his pistol pointed at it.

"If you're going to leave that on the island, wouldn't it still be able to find us? I mean it is a navy spy." Ragetti chimed in.

"Oh drop it, I still say its from hell." Pintel cut him off, leding him to the lower deck.

So, Jack took it out onto the island, and threw it in the sand. _"Elmo loves you."_ Elmo said, giggling. Jack shot at it multiple times, and ran for his life. As if the cannibals were chasing him. As if there was only one bottle of rum left in the world and-...well you get it.

Jack sailed the ship around to the opposite side of the island, and let them get back on course the next day. That is, as soon as the drums stopped beating.

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**Well, there's chapter 4. It may not have been as great as the others, but I did my best. Chapter 5 may be up later, which will be short, but it will be what the cannibals did AFTER they found Elmo.**


	5. ELMO LOVES YOU!

**Disclaimer: Not mine. Never will be. Darn.**

**Yep, I'm finally updating...I was just waiting for more reviews since the number of views for this fic seem to go down every chapter. So hopefully you figured out that Jack left the Elmo on Cannibal Island last chapter. Let's see what happened up until the drums stopped beating, shall we?

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So the Elmo was brought in front of all the cannibals and placed on the throne, because we all know what happens when something strange ends up there, right? Right. It wasn't saying anything. So, of course, they did the only logical thing they could. They poked it.

_"Elmo loves you."_

"...ELMO LOVES YOU!" They repeated. Too bad they had to eat it. But who said they had to eat it right away? "Elmo loves you" had become like...their motto...or something. They even treated Elmo like a real god. Even more than they did Jack. Wow.

They even gave Elmo a bride. Yep, her name was Latualatuka. It was a sad day though. That was when they decided to eat Elmo the next day. Even after Elmo "died" they still thought he was a god. "Elmo loves you" was still said quite often. They even had an Elmo shrine around the throne. Too bad this only lasted about 30 seconds. Someone found a Tinky-Winky doll hidden in some bushes.

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**I know it was short, but I might update later today with a longer chapter, where something really bad will happen. Feel free to say what you think will happen in a review, but I won't tell you if you're right. I also need ideas on how they'll get rid of the Elmos once and for all. Reviewers get thier own undead monkey!**


	6. Elmo's got a gun

**Okay. I'm reeeeeeeeeeeeeealllllllllllly sorry mates. I have 3 big projects and an essay to do for school. I don't like my teachers that much right now. Plus, I've had a major case of writer's block. Anyway, on with chapter 6.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine. Nothing in this chapter is. Deal with it.

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You thought the Elmo's were gone didn't you? Nope. They're still on the Pearl. When will I ever explain how they got there? I have no clue. Okay, I'll officially start the chapter now.

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As I said, they weren't gone. Oh no. In fact there were two little ones running around the ship at that moment plotting how to destroy everything. On jumped on top of the table Jack was sitting at in his cabin, he was not happy. He simply put his head down and started bnging it off the table, thinking they ween't real. _Aye, I need more rum_ he thought to himself. Meanwhile, Ragetti and Pintel had been watching him through a small window. 

"Oy, Ragetti, why do you suppose the Captain's bangin' his head against that table?"

"Well, I'm no expert, but it seems to me that ol' Jack there is attempting to clear his mind so he can get rid of what he thinks are illusions of those little Elmo-things running about."

"So...he's not fustrated over the fact that Norrington still hasn't returned his new jar of dirt and that Will won't shut up about Brittany Spears?"

"...what?"

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Captain Jack Sparrow looked down at his belt after he finished...erm...getting rid of the Elmo illusions and saw that his pistol was gone. That's when he saw one little beastie running away with it...and it was going after him. 

_cue Scooby-Doo chase sequence_ (and what would a good old fashioned Scooby-Doo chase be without music? _to the tune of Janie's got a Gun_

_Elmo's got a gun_

_Elmo's got a gun_

_Big Birds on the run_

_Ernie's dialin' 911_...(too lazy to type the rest, it's too long to type out at 10 PM. Sorry!)

Little did Jack know that all he had to do was kick the Elmo for it to give up...which he did, and got his gun back. Suddenly, he smelled smoke coming from somewhere on the ship.

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_15 seconds later..._

Captain Jack Sparrow stood in shock. The Elmos reached an all time low. They burned the rum. His beloved rum. He was able to use some water and a few crew members to put the fire out, but then he left to go to his cabin and recover from his...erm...grave loss.

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**Finally, chapter 6 is up! I have no clue when the next chapter will be up. Maybe not until after all my projects are done. Plus for one project a kid in my group won't cooperate to help write a skit (you know the kind that constantly leaves to talk to his other freinds, and makes stupid suggestions that would have nothing to do with what you need to teach through the skit (every group needs to teacher a different chapter from the American History book), and is just plain annoying). Anyway, please review and make my life a bit less stressful.**


	7. Author's note

**Okay guys, I am really sorry about this. Lately, I've been getting a ton of work in school, and I have no time to work on this. I hate it! It may be another few weeks before I put up Chapter 8. Until then, see ya!**


	8. Because he is THAT SHORT!

**I am back...from being forced...into doing work...for every single class, EVERY SINGLE FRICKIN' NIGHT! I had serious problems being unable to watch POTC for that long. Anyway, this is the FINAL CHAPTER. I may do a sequal, but I need ideas on which characters to use. Thanks for waiting, and review!**

**Disclaimer: Don't own POTC. That's what Disney is for.**

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What did Captain Jack Sparrow and the crew decide to do with Elmo? Well, let's just say it took them a long time to decide, because Jack had to recover from the tragic loss of every single bottle of rum he had. By that time the following Elmos had all attacked the ship at some point:

Tickle-Me Elmo

Tickle-Me more Elmo

Tickle-Me Elmo's twin brother

Ana-Maria Elmo (this one scared Jack)

Undead Monkey Elmo (or just Jack the Monkey in an Elmo suit)

Emo Elmo

Britney Spears Elmo

The POTC fangirl Elmo

The POTC Mary-Sue Elmo (let's all take a minute and picture that shall we? shudders)

Paris Hilton Elmo

Michael Jackson Elmo (complete with white fur, black hair, and half a nose! This scared...well...everyone.)

And last, but certainly not the smartest...

George W. Bush Elmo!

Yep, they had quite a rough time trying to kill them all, but eventually the last one came. How did they know it was the last? It came with a huge sign saying so, that's how!! Now, how did they get rid of it? Let's see!

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"So, Jack, how are we going to get rid of this one?" Will asked, since they were getting sick of all the terrifying monsters. Except Marty, who found them quite entertaining.

"Elementry, my dear William. We simply...um...er...I don't know." Jack said, defeated.

POTC fans all over fainted in shock. The great, amazing, all-powerful, God-like, Captain Jack Sparrow did not have an idea? Holy Something-That-Usually-Happens-In-A-Mary-Sue-Fanfic-Only-This-Is-Just-A-Humor-Slash-Parody Batman!

"No, no! Nevermind! I got it!" Jack exclaimed, walking into his cabin to start his plan. The POTC fans sighed with relief and once again were able to sleep.

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_A few weeks later..._

"Sir! A package has arrived for you!" A servant called to his master, who was upstairs. Up a very long flight of stairs. You could hardly notice him, unless you squinted. One, because that really was a long flight of steps, and two, hes really short. I mean really short. Probably only two inches tall. I mean he's just THAT SHORT! Okay, that's enough of that.

Lord Cutler Beckett walked out of his room, and to the top of the stairs. First, he took an elevator. Then, an escalator. After that, he had to face the horrible choice of either hang gliding or parachuting. And that was all to get down one stair. Wow...those stairs have to somehow defy the laws of physics. Or maybe Beckett is still short.

After at least 2 hours of elevators, escalators, hang gliding, and skydiving, Beckett finally got to his package which was left on the table. His servants never did anything like bringing him stuff when he was upstairs. It was more fun to watch him go up and down the stairs himself. Anyway, he looked inside the package which was strangely already open. He wondered how it had gotten open when it was still wrapped up half a second ago.

Suddenly, he saw a quick shadow of something running up the steps. He sighed and started the routine of climbing ladders, using more elevators and escalators, rock climbing, and using a jetpack or two just two get back up the stairs. Why? I just told you, it's because he is short! But, by the time he was done it was after midnight and he wanted to go to bed.

_Later that night..._

Beckett woke to see the shadow of something next to him in the bed. He poked it. It giggled. He poked it once more.

"_Elmo loves you!_"

Lord Beckett screamed in terror. It was his turn to deal with it.

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**The End. It's over, savvy? I am planning a sequal, but I want ideas from my loyal reviewers on what characters from what PBS/Nick Jr./Playhouse Disney show to use. Reviewers get to throw rotten fruit and rabid monkeys at some of my teachers for delaying this chapter. Buh-Bye now! sails off into sunset**


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